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Eating Concerns -
Taking Care of Others:
Guideline for Friends and Family
How to Help a Friend
If a friend appears to be in trouble with some form of eating
problem, it will probably be helpful to discuss it with her. You
should do so from the perspective of a concerned friend. It may help
to let her know how it affects you and the ways you are uncomfortable
with the behavior.
However, it is not appropriate for anyone to become a detective in
the search for a friend's problems. If you are wondering whether your
friend is in trouble, you may choose to discuss it directly with her
or consult with someone on Residence Staff, at the Stone Center, or
at the Health Service. Sometimes it helps to talk about it
confidentially to see whether your concerns are valid.
If you do discuss it with the friend, you do not need to fear that
you are giving her ideas. However, you should expect that your
concern may not be well received. She may get angry or feel betrayed.
That does not mean it was a mistake. It may take many encounters
before she understands. And always remember-your friendship is what
is most important.
Some suggestions
- Tell her you are concerned about her. Let her know that you care and that you are frightened. Tell her you would like to find a way to help her.
- Remember that she doesn't feel good about herself and may get angry with you or say things impulsively. She might even reject you.
- Encourage her to talk to a counselor or health professional.
- Often times you may feel frustrated with her, which is a natural response when you are trying to help someone with an eating disorder.
- Try to discuss her feelings, such as her anger, sadness, depression, low self-worth, or loneliness.
- Do not comment on how she looks. If you say, "You look too skinny," you will reinforce her striving to be thin. She wants to be the thinnest, and that's all she thinks about. If she gains weight, don't comment on it. Always comment on how she appears emotionally, not physically.
- Don't discuss what she should eat or how she should change her behaviors. This will probably turn into a power struggle, and you will most likely lose.
- Remember that getting help early, especially at the beginning of the development of an eating disorder, can make it easier to get better. With treatment there is hope, even if the problem is very serious.
- You don't always have to confront someone. People will often be talking behind her back, and she may feel very isolated. You can JUST be there as a friend. Over time you can slowly comment on her feelings and eventually suggest that you think she should talk to a nurse or therapist.
- Get support for yourself, or you will "burn out." Talk to your RA,RD, someone at the Stone Center, or find a support group for yourself. Don't hesitate to seek professional advice. The mistake most often made is trying to help someone completely on your own.
- Remember that there is nothing you can do to make someone eat or stop vomiting. It's frustrating because there is only so much a friend can do. Love cannot cure everything, especially an eating disorder.
-- Adapted from Human Relations Service, Wellesley
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